Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭