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Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede