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@baycontaco

I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.

@Juicedballs

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

@ThugRaccoons

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

@kristencheeks

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

@SteveKoehler22

The original “Ben Hur” was a mega
hit movie ….with ( 11 ) Oscars.

The remake is a box office flop.

A clear case of “Ben Hur, Done That”

@MacMallyMMA

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

@bush_piglet

Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.

@CAshmanActor

[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop

@Skoogeth

{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}

{whispers} planet shoes