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I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.