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4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud