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I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
After 35, your body ages in dog years
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
It’s the weekend y’all
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently