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Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.


“my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping”


[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!


*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup


My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.

So, who’s stupid now?


Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.


If cancer is ever cured it’ll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.


Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .


Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.