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@Sickayduh

One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb

@dougbies

Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early

@TheTweetOfGod

UPCOMING JESUS APPERANCES

8/3 Pancake, Norfolk, VA
8/10 Cheeto, Salem, OR
8/19 Window stain, Orem, UT
8/23 Vegemite Jar, Perth, AU

@sweetmomissa

Him: I thought you were spring cleaning today

Me: *stumbling* Did you even SEE the wine cabinet?

@TheHyyyype

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

@SaltyCorpse

You know what’s great about being in your 40s?

Hang on. Lemme walk back into the last room I was in so I can remember…

@Mirimade

If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.

@carlyken

I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.