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@ceejoyner

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

@fart

“my favorite bon jovi song? oh its definitely the one where it sounds like a computer is trying to talk while burping”

@TheToddWilliams

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

@Mr_Kapowski

*guy looks around to see if anyone is looking*

*sees the coast is clear, licks tree*

And that’s how they found out about maple syrup

@iGreenMonk

My girlfriend thinks my jokes are stupid, but she still wants to have sex with me.

So, who’s stupid now?

@3sunzzz

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

@canadian_jane

If cancer is ever cured it’ll probably be because of the people who liked all of the Facebook statuses that are against cancer.

@AngryRaccoon2

Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .

@Vodkantots

Cop: Do you know how fast you were going, ma’am?
Me: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Cop: You’re free to go.