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One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.


merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle


Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”

Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”


The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.


For your anniversary, if your wife asks for something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in 3 seconds…don’t get her a bathroom scale. Nope.


I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.


Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”


*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*


Your swag is gonna look amazing on that Burger King application.