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Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me