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Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.


Nice try Halloween, I eat candy in the dark and pretend not to be home every night.


Hot single senior citizens in your area need air conditioning.


Cinderella, but the Prince is searching for the maiden who matches the glass thigh gap.


Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.


[gun shop]

ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?

CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal

ME: Ok

CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately


in 2016 if i walk in to your place and ask for the wifi password and you give me a paper with 26 letters and numbers i’m leaving


I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.

Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.

I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.

They’re all grounded.


I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…

I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread