BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
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i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
this isn’t threatening at all
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
this will hang in the louvre one day
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Dress for the job you want to sleep at