@Cheeseboy22

BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.

You Might Also Like

@daemonic3

DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant

ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before

DATE: Are you having deja vu?

ME: No I’m having the chicken

@Donna_McCoy

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

@dogheadcoffee

You got acute appendicitis ..

No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*

@MarkusJ

*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band

@daemonic3

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

@daddydoubts

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

@MomofTeen

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

@Poutymcgee

I’m not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face….that’s wasteful. I’d drink it first and then glass you.

@DrFFurter

Women say they like tall men and I’m probably 6ft 4″ in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet!