DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
You got acute appendicitis ..
No, YOU got a cute appendicitis *winks at doctor*
*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band
british sex workers really pound for pound
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
I’m not the kind of girl to get mad and throw a drink in your face….that’s wasteful. I’d drink it first and then glass you.
Women say they like tall men and I’m probably 6ft 4″ in these stilettos and not a single girl in this bar has approached me yet!