@CrapLocalNews

Breaking news:

You Might Also Like

@PatsATweetin

[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?

Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.

Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.

@DestineyLynn

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

@TheMichaelRock

You know that confused look that old people get when looking at new technology? I’m like that, but with salad.

@jwoodham

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

@itweetmaya

That awkward moment when the garbage goes out more than you.

@iwearaonesie

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

@mops16_

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

@TheToddWilliams

[Whole Foods]

ME: Where are all the donuts?

CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts

ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!

@Home_Halfway

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.