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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.