How to be happier:
2. Lift weight
3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
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Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma’am?
Me: No, I’m just dizzy b/c I’m having a heavy flow day. It’s really clotty and…
Cop: You’re free to go.
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
date: wanna try some of my cheesecake?
me: no thanks, i don’t eat dairy
date: are you lactose intolerant?
me, terrified my skeleton will become too strong and escape: haha yeah that’s it
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission