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@ThatBrenna

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

@jus4golf

Found my first gray pubic hair. The people in line with me at the market were not nearly as impressed as I was.

@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

@GrantTanaka

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

@sageboggs

I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now

@Bob_Janke

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

@TheWriteStuff2u

You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.