Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
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I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Cop: license and registration
Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those
Ghetto wet floor sign: Caution, b*tches be trippin…
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
“i’d do anthony for you” – worst autocorrect fail by me
Me: Alexa, watch our kids.
Wife: wait, really?
Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.