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@ericsshadow

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

@FredPollack

I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.

@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those

@mattZillaaaa

“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door

@BringDaNoyz

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

@NewDadNotes

Me: Alexa, watch our kids.

Alexa: ok.

Wife: wait, really?

Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!

@RandiLawson

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.