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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?


I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.


Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those


“911, what is your emergency?”

Yes I can’t hear my television

“Sir, this is not an emer-”

Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door


who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards


Me: Alexa, watch our kids.

Alexa: ok.

Wife: wait, really?

Me: shhh, lets leave before she changes her mind!


I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.