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Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Am I having a stroke?
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