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@ericsshadow

1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon

@CruisinSoozan

Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

@sass_n_ass

Shout out to the ampersand for always being willing to stand in the gap & help make our tweets complete by giving back those extra two lette

@lasergirl70

On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.

@rebrafsim

Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU

@stockejock

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

@LetMeStart

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

@LaraDodds

I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”