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“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I have 8 pens in my bag, cause you never know when an octopus will mosey along and need to sign things.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.