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@TheMichaelRock

HR: Did you call Brenda fat?

Me: No. I told her that based on her size, she should be more jolly.

HR…

Me: Big difference.

@Mr_Kapowski

If your name is David and you have a son, you should definitely name him Harley so he can introduce himself as Harley, David’s son

@Gupton68

[restaurant]

me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please

server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir

me: challenge accepted

@OhNoSheTwitnt

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

@sixfootcandy

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

@slimpickins_

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.