The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
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DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
Folks are worried about global warming and social security, when the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.
*sees person I know in a crowd*
* realizes I don’t know person*
* changes enthusiastic wave to awkward fist pump*
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Sometimes I get road rage waiting for my son to finish his story.
Romantic comedies gave me unrealistic expectations about finding work at a magazine.
I WAS LIKE
AND HE WAS LIKE
AND I WAS LIKE
AND SHE WAS LIKE
(The speech impediment of the 21st century)
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.