If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
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COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
The first judge ever was like “When I’m done talking I’ll pound my desk with a hammer” and we were all “Ok that’s not insane”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”