@causticbob

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

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@dave_cactus

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

@ArfMeasures

COP: There’s been a murder
BATMAN: I won’t rest until I avenge them
C: It’s outside of Gotham
B: Actually I have got a lot on at the moment

@PORNOPINION

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

@NicestHippo

The first judge ever was like “When I’m done talking I’ll pound my desk with a hammer” and we were all “Ok that’s not insane”

@LaLa_Lyds

If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start

@thatdutchperson

I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.

@buhsbaby_baby

Spiderman ruined romance for me. Please don’t even think of kissing me unless you’re hanging upside down from a building.

@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab

@KeetPotato

cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”