If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[Breaking News approaches. I squirt it with a spray bottle.]
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
I think my mom just blocked me
WHAT I ORDER: French toast
WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
I’ve never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk