@BillCorbett

[Breaking News approaches. I squirt it with a spray bottle.]

NO. BAD.

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@PerfectPending

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

@timmartinwhy

WHAT I ORDER: French toast

WHAT WAITER HEARS: If my water goes below the brim you die

@impJOKER

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

@mandystick71

I’ve never sky dived but I have zoomed in real fast on google earth

@TraylorParker

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

@TweetsByKaylee

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names