[Breaking News approaches. I squirt it with a spray bottle.]


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Unfaithful Russian men come home to find all their stuff in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box in a box on the sidewalk.


Churches: lmao corona isn’t real u idiots. u can’t even see it

Me: yeah but what abou-

Churches: that’s DIFFERENT


when I said I was doing “the Lord’s work” I meant arbitrarily passing judgment on people.


Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.


Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.


I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.


Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”


Sitting on my hand until it gets numb so it feels like someone else is folding my laundry.