BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
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just leave it at the foot of the bed
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Smells like a challenge to me
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.