BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
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If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Taliband
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!