@Dog_Marriage

Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.

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@Parkerlawyer

I pan fried chicken tonight.

On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.

@GABBYdaAngSaya

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

@EtobicokeErnie

Remember when you were a kid and the TV set in your basement weighed 8,000 pounds?

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

@FredTaming

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

@Ygrene

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

@TheAndrewNadeau

BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.

ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.

BOND: I’m a spy.

ME: You are bad at all parts of this.

@mommajessiec

Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*

Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*

Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*