Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
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I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My blood type is b hungry.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea