why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
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What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.