BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
God making man in his image was the original selfie
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Actually cracking up @ this
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
they split up moments later
best first i’ve ever seen
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl