BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

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“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children


If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.


[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.


People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.


All my friends say that I’m a psychopath. That’s not true, I don’t have any friends.


I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with “What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?”


me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish


HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato


“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist