“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
All my friends say that I’m a psychopath. That’s not true, I don’t have any friends.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with “What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?”
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
“The powder |
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”
– The AutocorrExorcist