@Rollmaninoz

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

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@TheNYAMProject

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

@sarcasticmommy4

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

@daemonic3

[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.

@wickedimproper

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

@TheJamesH1

All my friends say that I’m a psychopath. That’s not true, I don’t have any friends.

@GeauxSaints79

I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with “What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?”

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing

him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been

me: I tried to kiss a goldfish

@notacroc

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

@UncleDuke1969

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist