BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
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Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Where’s my employee discount too?
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
I know karate and tons of other words.
Cat is stressing him out.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.