Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
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M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge