Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.

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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late

Biden: I gave him the wrong address

Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect

Biden: idgaf what they call him


You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.

I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.


How To Be A Parent

Step 1: have a child

Step 2: your guess is as good as mine


Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.


You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.


By age 35 you should have like 2 real friends both of whom live in other states and around 700 online friends with whom your relationship is so tenuous that a simple opinion about a comic book movie could end it instantly.


Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.