BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

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[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up


I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”


the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!


Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …


I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.


Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No


I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.


Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.


Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.


This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.