@Cheeseboy22

BREAKING NEWS: North Korea may test a missil on April 10. They just need to find a gigantic bottle of Coke and a huge Mento.

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@WheelTod

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

@yayalexisgay

I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”

@robwhisman

the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!

@ChipKellysBalls

Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …

@DannyZuker

I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.

@Steven37366100

Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized

Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?

*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*

Me: No

@SwedishCanary

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

@AaronFullerton

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

@Cheeseboy22

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

@MiahSaint

This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.