I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
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Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist