Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
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Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes