Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
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Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I’d … I’d rather not.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.