Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
You Might Also Like
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
My purse is deeper than some people.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.