my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.
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H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
I hate that theres no way to know if you’re on track or not for your annual consumption of 8 spiders
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
This could be the beginning of a beautiful restraining order.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world