@StephenKing

Breaking News: Reliable sources reveal that Donald Trump is actually Cthulu. The absurd hairdo isn’t absurd at all. It hides the tentacles.

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@Marlebean

H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope

@tastefactory

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

@kfoagkfoag

*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!

@queenjoheen

I hate that theres no way to know if you’re on track or not for your annual consumption of 8 spiders

@JeffMyspace

Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work

HR: Yes, that was the problem.

@KaysNH

This could be the beginning of a beautiful restraining order.

@PinkCamoTO

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

@MaybePileJokes

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world