BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
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When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣