Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.