@ThisOneSayz: Breaking news: There's been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, "you almost gave me a heart attack!"
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@icexqueen: What’s the highest thing you’ve ever done?? One time I put a cup of water in the microwave and the cup was too tall to fit so I dumped some water out and tried to put it back in because I thought that would make it fit LMAOOOO
@JasonCarney31: "911 what's your emergency?" MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! "Okay. I'll send the police" *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY "AT MARIOKART"
@Bob_Janke: The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
@MarkAgee: My mother-in-law's text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law's rage isn't really from Vietnam.