Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
boat question
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.