@causticbob

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

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@Bill_Nye_tho

i just finished breaking bad. what happens to hanks minerals. I don’t like loose ends man. what happened to the minerals

@Michael1979

Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:

@TheAndrewNadeau

HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.

@Miniwheats2012

My son can go from “omg…you’re impossible I can’t wait until I’m 18!”
To “you’re the best mom ever” in a matter of $100

@imogenjayy

Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.

@AmericanGent69

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

@xysist

Breakups is just a fancy name for what happens when men win arguments.

@seamussaid

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

@BoomBoomBetty

Me: Do that thing I like

Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]