Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
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You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.