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@offbeatoliv

As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.

@FrogAvalanche

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

@rebrafsim

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

@TheAlexNevil

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

@Roxtalled

Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.

In other news, I now have free internet.

@donni

Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!

@mydmac

*police searching my home

So, the coffin is for Halloween?

Yes. Yes it is.

@_correctomundo

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

@therealeatwood

ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?

HER: What? No, I said asterisks.

ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!