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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?