As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
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“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
Found out the name of my neighbor’s cat.
In other news, I now have free internet.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes?
HER: What? No, I said asterisks.
ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!