[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
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Clients after you give them your rates
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok