BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
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I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late