Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
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Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes