My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance
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32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.
I don’t have kids, did I do that right?
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.
Wait til spring
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane