@jazmasta

BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

You Might Also Like

@stiggib3

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

@_MoonWinx_

32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.

I don’t have kids, did I do that right?

@TheAlexP

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

@sween

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

@sarcasticmommy4

Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two

@VerifiedJayy

Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.

Wait til spring

Enjoy

@AbbyHasIssues

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

@3sunzzz

When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny

@SortaBad

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane