I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
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So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Spell check is for lasers.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR