BREAKING: Olympic athlete stripped of medal after urine sample shows traces of rubber, which is a band substance

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My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse


32 is taking me to dinner, 29 is taking me to a concert, & 26 is taking me straight to bed.

I don’t have kids, did I do that right?


[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.


When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”


Me, starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit

9am: one slice of cake instead of two


Put glitter on top of all your friends ceiling fans blades.

Wait til spring



The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.


When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:

*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention

*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going

*someone dropped a penny


Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane