BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
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Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else