BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
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[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*