priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
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8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[first time having sex]
Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?
Couch cushion: ….
Bath time without my phone:
Bath time with my phone:
1 wrinkly baby
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound.
I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
god: *texts dinosaur jesus*
dinosaur jesus: *ghosts him*
god: thats it *hurls phone at earth*
dinosaur jesus: wtf is that thing