BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

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priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*


8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.


guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea


“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.


[first time having sex]

Me: are u sure u aren’t too drunk?

Couch cushion: ….


Bath time without my phone:

10 minutes

Bath time with my phone:

45 minutes
1 wrinkly baby


I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.


I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound.
I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.


MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy


god: *texts dinosaur jesus*

dinosaur jesus: *ghosts him*

god: thats it *hurls phone at earth*


dinosaur jesus: wtf is that thing