@tastefactory

BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.

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@ArfMeasures

[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleep

GOD: [on his phone] Hang on

ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok

@AristotlesNZ

I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.

@doktorj

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”

@RandiLawson

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

@QueenofSparta

Him: I like nerds
Me: So if a train is going at ten miles an hour west, and another train is travelling 50 miles an..
Him: not like that

@sad_tree

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

@CloydRivers

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@attsmcjay

Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”