BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
You Might Also Like
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Sorry not sorry.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.