I didn’t fart, I flirted. That was a flirt!
*runs away flirting*
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
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ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me: Watcha got there?
Me: What kind?
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Me: – Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: – Because you’re a pessimist, honey!
Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
The mall crowd parts as I shuffle through after waking up naked on the food court floor. “Too pudgy to be a terminator” says one woman.