BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
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A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie