@LOLGOP

BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama’s decision to skip breakfast.

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@sixfootcandy

Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.

@david8hughes

Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.

@KKAlThani

“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people

@Underchilde

Dear Abby,

I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?

@the_couch_guy

People of Twitter:

If you worry that you aren’t creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

@Gupton68

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

@weinerdog4life

Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.

@UncleDuke1969

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

@PinkCamoTO

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

@JustForHT

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.