Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama’s decision to skip breakfast.
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Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people
I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?
People of Twitter:
If you worry that you aren’t creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.