BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama’s decision to skip breakfast.

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Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.

Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.


Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.


“Good evening, I will be your waiter for tonight. What would you like to Instagram?” – how waiters should greet people


Dear Abby,

I saw a questionable mole on this girl I like. How do I tell her without letting her know I hid a camera in her shower?


People of Twitter:

If you worry that you aren’t creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.


HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!


Turn your proctologist into a magician by stuffing 45 feet of scarves in your butt.


[loud knocking]


Me: Prove it.


Me: Sing “Roxanne.”


Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.


Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.