I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
<—- homeless romantic
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.