@LOLGOP

BREAKING: Republicans may oppose President Obama’s decision to skip breakfast.

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@CourtRundell

Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children

@IAmKatieOrr

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

@caliluvgirl77

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

@Sal0630

A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.

@meganamram

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

@AndyAsAdjective

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

@adamgreattweet

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

@TheAlexNevil

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.

@MaxHooverDotBiz

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

@AtticusFinch79

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead