@jwoodham

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

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@BriarSly

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

@WarrenHolstein

Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

@WritePlay

I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.

@emceej

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

@TheBeerGuy73

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

@TheBoydP

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

@aka_fatman

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

@LLBadge

My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.

@OneFunnyMummy

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.