BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

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Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.


Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.


I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.


I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.


Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.


*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*


The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.


“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.


My GPS just did a shoulder shrug and said, “uhm, take a left here?” This can’t be good.


My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.