BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
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Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
🚲+physics = winner
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.