***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
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Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
Omg 🤣
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
New Tinder profile.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.