***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
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cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
The point of your 20s
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
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Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
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Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.