BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

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Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.


“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…


“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip


Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?


Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.


Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.


By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”


“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”