BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.