@causticbob

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

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@LizHackett

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

@BlindVigil

“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…

@amydillon

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

@thedad

Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?

Son: Yes of course

Me: It doesn’t look like it

Son: oh you mean this week?

@JohnHilsen

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

@HatfieldAnne

By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”

@UncleDuke1969

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”