[breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron]

“Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog.”

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I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.


Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]


Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.


My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”


4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”


The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.


Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ?. ?????’?. ???. ???.


You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.


Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.