Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
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If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”