Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
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I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”