@SaltyCorpse

BREAKING:

My sixteen year old doesn’t know how to “work” a fold top sandwich bag.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled Friday night.

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@KalvinMacleod

GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields

@Rlpihl

Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago

@HousewifeOfHell

[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?

@Playing_Dad

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche

@419BillE

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

@calamitydaisy

I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.

@KatieBurnett

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost