My sixteen year old doesn’t know how to “work” a fold top sandwich bag.

I now return you to your regularly scheduled Friday night.

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GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields


Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago


[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?


*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche


*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*


I feel a burst of superiority when I trick a fly into flying out of my car window.


If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost